Funny Quotes
it's a funny thing about Hollywood. Once you've been out here awhile, it's hard to go someplace else, and it gets harder the longer you stay here. Takes some real propulsion to make you leave.
There are few lonelier sights than a good comedian being funny in a movie that doesn't know what funny is.
Here's the funny thing about the world coming to an end. Once it gets going, it doesn't seem to stop.
The funny thing is, people's perceptions of what a song is about is usually wrong a majority of the time. But they're still going to read what they want to into it.
All the best stories in the world are but one story in reality - the story of escape. It is the only thing which interests us all and at all times, how to escape.
Whenever I do a comedy show I still just read poems, some of which are intentionally funny and some of which are just bizarre. The mix seems to work well.
I filmed myself drunk, just to see what I'm like. I watched so many funny videos of people drunk on YouTube.
It's funny, the hardest thing to do is to make something look like it's fast, loose and improvised, and get somebody to laugh.
My Dear McClellan, if you don't want to use the army I should like to borrow it for a while. Yours respectfully.
I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I'll never get to do that.
I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they're making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
Being in a relationship is like being in A.A. My friends ask me, 'How's it going with that girl?' 'One day at a time, man.'
The only marriage I've observed for any length of time is my parents - 35 years. I asked my pop, I go, 'Pop, 35 years - what do you hope for?' He's like, 'I hope you die first.'
The easiest time to be funny is during a fairly serious situation. That way you can break the ice.
Larry David finds a way to make jokes about the Holocaust. It would never have occurred to me. And it was funny.
For what we think and feel and are is to a great extent determined by the state of our ductless glands and our viscera.
True friendship's laws are by this rule express'd, Welcome the coming, speed the parting guest.
Time has a funny way of airbrushing relationships, removing all the things that were wrong so when you look back it looks much better than it really was.
When a woman like that whom I've seen so much, All of a sudden drops out of touch; Is always busy and never can, Spare you a moment, it means a man.
In Hollywood if you are not working, you are a leper. True, you are probably living in the most expensive leper colony in the world.
Statistics have shown that mortality increases perceptibly in the military during wartime.
It's funny, when you look back in history books or American cookery books, one of the reasons that the quinces and cranberries are used so often is because of their natural jelling properties.
PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It is operated by depressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the audience.
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.
I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers. What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
Next time someone says, 'Where has big government ever gotten us?' the correct answer is 'Mars.'
In Africa, we were around thousands of people who have seen a lot of poverty, but they were fun at the end of the day.
It's funny, like 15 years ago when I was a kid doing all the John Hughes movies, I remember Bruce Willis was the only guy who was transitioning from television into film.
