Comedy Quotes

Small men oft feel a need to prove their courage with unseemly boasts, " he declared. "I doubt if he could kill a duck."Tyrion shrugged. "Fetch the duck.

Did I just get psychically pimp-slapped by a little old lady?

Anything for you, Dru. And I mean it. Now, be quiet and let me concentrate.

It was like hiking into a Hemingway story everything was sepia-toned and bristling with subtext.

You have food?" Winter scolded. "I thought you said you were hungry."I'm hungry for other things besides what I have, " [Clover] argued.

Harley-Davidson, " she said. "Sweet.

this was business.

All right, " Shannen says slowly, tucking a lock of dark brown hair behind her ear. "Why did you glue that dolphin upside down?" Okay, so I'm a little distracted. "He's doing the back stroke.

Jace said that the cast of Gilligan's Island could do something anatomically unlikely with themselves.

Why were you watching me change?" I explain. "Uh, 'cause I'm a guy?" He flips the pillow and slaps it, fluffing it. Then he rolls over and closes his eyes again.

And you'd think that killing people would make them like you, but it doesn't. It just- it just makes them dead.

Every culture has some ritual for joining two people together and making them stay that way, and ours is giving tax breaks.

I don’t read biographies for moral instruction, or for a history lesson. I want to know what people are saying about me.

Men forget everything women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

He's like a man with a fork, in a world of soup. (about his brother Liam)

You can't just call the Praetor. It's not like 1-800-WEREWOLF.

I'd rather have rabies than be in love.""Why?""Because at least you can get over rabies with some shots.

He'd gone from sixteen to seventy-five in a matter of seconds, but the old-man smell happened instantly, like boom. Congratulations! You stink!

So just let me deal with it, I can be emotionally flawed and still love you all at the same time. I’m a great multitasker.

When they’re together, the world could fall apart around them and they’d never notice or care as long as they have each

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.

I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated it, because when they fired me, I had to show up to work anyway.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Envy is for people who don’t have the self-esteem to be jealous.

It’s fairly standard. Also, I’m fourteen. Also, yourbeard’s stupid.”“Isn’t this fun?” Skulduggery said brightly. “The three of usgetting along so well.

His eyes widened. Oh, hell, you think I'm going to let him bite me? No way. It's too risky and way too guy.

I think you must be some kind of a freak. Either that or you’re trying toconvert me to your secret horse religion.”“Darn, you got me, ” she says theatrically. “You thwarted my evil plan.

Um i'm happy to sit close to you and everything, but i had no idea you would like it so much, ' Paris muttered.

You'd be surprised how expensive it costs to look this cheap.

OY! Stop playing around and lets cook already!"*smack*J-just now, that made a really loud noise.."Do you wanna hear it again?"N-no, you'll just hit me again!"Kyo and Tohru

Want a little cheese with that whine, maestro?

Life would be a great deal easier if dead things had the decency to remain dead.

He raised his hand in a peaceful gesture. "You need to relax a bit, dove. Like Mouse over there. You trust me, don't you, Mouse?""Nope!""Ahhh, I'm hurt. Nobody likes me.

I know more damn perverts, at schools and all, than anybody you ever met, and they’re always being perverty when I’m around.

Somehow the idea of Montgomery as a fairy doesn't have the same effect on me as it appears to have on you.-Raphael

If you were anyone else, your nuts would be taking a long vacation, and the destination would be out of your mouth

I never meant it, " he was saying. "Never meant it to happen. Can't stand it, seeing her suffer. Must do something, do something... What do I do? What can I do...?

As always, she was carrying the washing. Rudy was carrying two buckets of cold water, or as he put it, two buckets of future ice.

No, but as a vampire, I'm able to detect subtle shifts in emotional energy.

Why must this be so mortifying? Oh, that's right. Because its my life.

you're so full of shit, you ought to be a cow manure

Tea should be as bitter as wormwod and as sharp as a two eged swordKit Snicket (a series of unfortunate events)

Jason hated being an old man.

[Kagura is doing laundry and tries to wring out Kyou's shirt causing it to rip in two ]Kyo Sohma: Tell me what I think just happened didn't just happen Kagura: My love !Kyo Sohma: My shirt!

Let your eyes talk, mouth listens and ear sleeps.

Women will buy products in an attempt to become the impossible goal. Men will buy products in an attempt to mate with the impossible goal.

I wish my nose would blow me for once.

If a problem can be solved, there is nothing to worry about. If it can't be solved, well you can always buy chocolate :)

I said, names aren't important, " he repeated. There was a silence between them for some seconds, then the Ranger said: "Do you know what is important?"Will shook his head."Supper is important!