Comedy Quotes
Goodfellow snickered."Wouldn't be any fun if we didn't run into some sort of catastrophe." Pulling his dagger, he waved me on."After you, your highness.Puck to Ash
If you want to change the world, just change yourself. The world needs traitors.
Any other iron on you?” he asked impatiently.“Just my tongue stud.”His look was a mixture of curiosity and horror.“I’m kidding, you idiot. Let’s go.
I've taken care of it, " I saidMy father looked at me, shocked.Then I realized "taken care of" had a very specific meaning in his line of work."No, no, I mean he's gone.
Little-known fact about cheerleaders: They keep schedules that would make grown marines cry.
I hope people of the future will remember my books for being burned, and I challenge an elite few to imagine the embers of the last copy.
Nix had told Emma before she'd left for Europe that on this trip she would 'do that which you were born to do.' Apparently, Emma was born to get kidnapped by a deranged Lykae. Her fate sucked.
Welcome to Telepathics Anonymous. Don’t bother introducing yourself.
Don't even think of arguing with me. I'm an old woman and if you fight me about it, it could give me a heart attack.
Yes she met with a slight accident involving a stake." Ash said "funny how that happens sometimes...
I'm not saying he was, like, crying tears of man pain over the phone, but he sounded upset.
She'd made him watch every Alien movie. Most of the goriest scenes were accompanied by his dialogue: 'Ach, that's no' - that's just no' right.... Bloody hell, this canna be right.
Without humor, we’d all be what we’re laughing at. Without arrogance, we’d be humiliated to admit we already are.
I need another drink!” I said as a second attempt to change the subject. “Shots!” America yelled. Shepley rolled his eyes. “Oh, yeah. That’s what you need, another shot.
I remember the will said, 'May God thy gold refine.' That must be from the Bible.""Shakespeare, " Turtle said. All quotations were either from the Bible or Shakespeare.
Objection!" Metz shouts.Grounds?" the judge asks.Well...he's my witness!
Who cares if you have a girlfriend, anyway?""I care" Simon said gloomily. "Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor. And he smells like windex.
Shut. Up, " June squealed. "You have a date with that guy?" She giggled and covered her mouth. "Shut up, shut up, shut up! Tell me everything.""I can't do both, " I pointed out.
Divorce runs high these days, but I’m an exception to the norm. I got divorced when marriage was still popular.
The rage that had expolded inside me diffused. I didn't know where it had come from. I had a short temper and often acted impulsively, but this had been intense and ugly even for me. Weird.
Where does love reveal itself? In beds, sofas, bathtubs – each section of a department store has its advantages.
I've been thinking of installing a train in my house. It could bring me shrimp crackers from the kitchen.
A red eight-sided sign always means: A) Stop. B) Go. C) Danger! Red octogons ahead!
Nancy was so thrilled, I thought she was going to kiss me—and I thought I was actually going to have to hit a chick.
We need to save the forests. I have a big warehouse we can store them in.
The stars have a strong effect on our daily shopping lives. Hollywood is astrology’s only credible conspiracy.
I'm telling you, Augustus Waters talked so much that he'd interrupt you at his own funeral.
We need to revitalize the American spirit. People are always asking ‘What would the founding fathers do, ’ but I have yet to witness a single séance.
It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then it's fun and games you can't see anymore.
Trees are corrupting our parks. They should be arrested for loitering. For deciduous trees, add littering and indecent exposure to that list of offenses.
My grandma Ruthie, Jettie's sister, had been married four times, so many times I started calling every old man I saw at the grocery store Grandpa.
Never dance in a puddle when there's a hole in your shoe (it's always best to take your shoes off first).
Don’t believe what you hear about those penguins. A species of lazy waddlers. Their extinction is immanent.
Dear sirs, The cold war isn’t over. When national borders fail, the epidermis is the last line of defense. We are counting on you.Sincerely, Patriot
Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.
I can pay you."He raised his eyebrows. "I'm sure there are services for that.Maybe you can try calling 1-800-HOOKERS or something?""You know the number well?
A man's plumbing is like his mind: simple, very few surprises. You ladies, on the other hand...well, God put a lot of thought in making you.
Do you ever take a holiday? Like, do any of you just wake up and think ‘Today feels like a pyjama day.’? or is it always, ‘Today is a good day for murdering and stalking.’?
If the law can be broken it will. Anyone who breaks the law is a risk. You can break the law. So you see, I have to take you in for questioning. This produce stand has an ominous future.
You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him participate in synchronized diving.