Comedy Quotes

SHUT UP. Both of you. You're coming with me." To me he said, "Put some pant

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

You can’t enjoy art or books in a hurry.

There are very few personal problems that can't be solved with a suitable application of high explosives.

Iggy. This is not a democracy, " I said, (...)"It'sa Maxocracy.

He who laughs last ... just didn't get the joke.

Yes, I'm back, " he said, "And look who I ran into."Horace grinned at him. "i hope you ran into him hard.""As hard as I could.

Friends are like bras, attached near your heart for support. Foes are like panties, deported, every now and then, when they get dirty.

I felt my cheeks turn red, and she laughed out loud. But I didn't mind too much, because the last thing she saw was my middle finger aimed in her direction as I stepped outside

You mean she doesn’t intend to blow me up before the ceremony?” said Kai, taking the box. “How disappointing.

Look at him, ” she said, shaking her head. “Travis Maddox: Mr. Mom.

It's sick and twisted and violent. Other than that it is totally G rated.

Is there any good news?' Tesla

What? Quinn's one of them? I just thought he was an a*shole!

To ugly ducklings everywhere, Don't worry about those fluffy yellow morons:They'll never get to be swans

I am not forgotten, you know, no, I still receive a very great deal of fan

Otis, " I said."Shhh, " he said. "I'm incognito. Call me...Otis.""I'm not sure that's how incognito works, but okay."Otis, aka Otis climbed into the chair I'd reserved for Sam.

Trust her we girls are two sheets short of psycho when it comes to our special little time.

There was the smell of old books, a smell that has a way of making all libraries seem the same. Some say that smell is asbestos.

The Doctor: I've seen bigger.Clara: Really?The Doctor: Are you joking? It's massive!

You all right, man?' This should be my name. I could be like a super hero: You All Right Man. Ah...' I stumble.Don't bug Craig, ' Ronny is like. 'He's in the Craig zone. He's Craig-ing out.

Lusty blacksmiths and naughty princesses. Now that's scary

And she says, “Then let’s just take the effing road and get ourselves to Hav

Boy, you knock on the devil's door and he will head slam you through the wall.

Caroline, do you value your neck?""Yes, I'm rather fond of it. Why?""Because if you don't shut up, I'm going to wring it.

No, ” Shane said. “I’m not leaving you two here alone. We stick together.”“I’m still not kissing you, ” Michael said.“Tease.

She was hearing the words. They just weren't registering on her Richter scale of sanity.

Who are you and how did you get in here?" "I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.

Want to dance? We have music this time. And I don't have to punch you when we finish.

Bike lane: the section of the road that accommodates wide loads and has speed bumps to protect drunk drivers.

When she absently worried her bottom lip with one of her adorable little fangs, he s

Now listen, we need to be quiet as mice. No, quieter than that. As quiet as . . . as . . .” “Dead mice?” Reynie suggested. “Perfect, ” said Kate with an approving nod. “As quiet as dead mice.

-"He loved her...It was noble of him. It was beautiful."-"It was stupid.

Was it animal pee or human pee? Someone asked.How would I know? What, am I an expert in the study of pee?

Don't you want to know what cookies is a code word for?" "No! Good God, no!

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

When nobody practices what they strongly believe in, that day will be a triumph of prudence.

Artists are the serfs of a leisure society.

This is an Aston Martin, Gin.You don't run over dead bodies in an Aston Matin.""Tell that to James Bond

Does Hallmark make a “Sorry I tried to drink your blood and touched you in a vaguely inappropriate manner” card? I settled for “How much do you remember?

. . . and together you're what, the Super Friends?

Oh, " she said, in a very different way. "Well. Thanks for my part in the compliment. Naturally I'd love to be watched and controlled, but I think I may be washing my hair that day.

Nobody calls me 'blondie' and keeps their kneecaps.

Yeah, ” said Harry. “No more pretending we care what happens when Jupiter and Uranus get too friendly .

I swore I'd never become some lord's brainless arm ornament and political host, but I've become far worse. I'm a glorified housekeeper and sperm donor. -from the journal of Payton Marcus Townsend.

Say, ‘Thank you, Phin.’ ”“Oh, please.”“Say, Thank youvery much, Phin. ”“I don’t think so.”“Say, ‘You are a great lover, Phin.’ ”“I’m out of here.

Never try to understand the students. They hate it. They would much rather be tragically misunderstood, wallow in self-pity, stew in their own —”“That’s enough, Phineas, ” said Dumbledore.

Please. If you were mostly dead in the middle of the road I'd obviously stop. And then I'd watch you die."Kate to Will

Do I look like the kind of person who wastes time turning goats into pin cushions?

I threw an etiquette party and served nothing but beans and sparkling water. The topic of conversation was ‘excuse me’.