Scott Adams Quotes

Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

There's a fine line between marketing and grand theft.

It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

I think you should live your life so that the maximum number of people will attend your funeral.

Frankly, I’m suspicious of anyone who has a strong opinion on a complicated issue.

I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.

There's a fine line between participation and mockery.

As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.

The ability to work hard and make sacrifices comes naturally to those who know exactly what they want.

The human mind is a delusion generator, not a window to trurh.

If I had to pick one quality that best predicts success (other than wanting to be successful) it would be the willingness to risk embarrassment.

Ideas are cheap. A dime a dozen, as they say. It's the implementation that's important! The trick isn't just to have a computer game idea, but to actually create it!

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

You already barely exist. Disappearing entirely won't be that much of a change.

Few things in life are less efficient than a group of people trying to write a sentence. The advantage of this method is that you end up with something for which you will not be personally blamed.

I have infinite capacity to do more work as long as you don't mind that my quality approaches zero.

I can't memorize names and shake hands at the same time.

If you want success, figure out the price, then pay it.

Moslem: people who believe suicide is a good way to get laid.

The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day

I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it.

The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly.

It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.

Great minds don't think alike. If they did, the Patent Office would only have about fifty inventions.

Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.

If you don't believe your salmon is wild, ask it to fetch your newspaper and see what happens.

Ideas are worthless. Execution is everything.

If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far.

Sadness is just another word for not enough coffee.

My philosophy is that every phone conversation has a loser.

In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.

This happens to me: I have this great idea and then I make the mistake of telling someone else.

My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right.

Technology: No Place for Wimps!

Some people fear that technology will become more engaging than live human interactions. That's silly; technology is already way more interesting than other people.

In the future, it will become increasingly obvious that your competitors are just as clueless as you are.

God designs people's emotions so you fall in love with people who, in return, wouldn't even use your hollowed-out skull for a spittoon.

Crackpot is an excellent job because the expectations are so low. No one ever tells crackpots that they should be doing more.

Stem cells are like toenail clippings with a better career plan.

Man is a game playing animal and a computer is another way to play games.

The marketing department uses many advanced techniques to match products and buyers in a way that mximizes profits. For example, they give away keychains.

The job isn't done until you've blamed someone for the parts that went wrong.

I'm curious how you'll know it works. I assume it's mostly a cosmetic change.

Always Postpone Meetings with Time-wasting Morons

Some physicists describe gravity in terms of ten dimensions all curled up. But those aren't real words-just placeholders, used to refer to parts of abstract equations.

I never knew what an engineer did for a living when I was a kid. I still don't.

He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest.