Jerry Quotes

There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.

There's more to life than making shallow, fairly obvious observations.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

What's with this weird hotel custom of leaving a piece of chocolate on the pillow? I awoke thinking my brain had hemorrhaged some sort of fecal matter.

I wonder is illiterate people know the full meaning of alphabet soup?

I like definitive things.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

There's nothing more fun than entertaining kids.

But I don't want to be a pirate!

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."

Celebrity is no different from any other energy. It's a force for good or evil. It's no different from money. It's power.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

The peak of being a fan is a hotdog and a beer and a seat at the game. There's nothing above that. Nothing above it.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

Men want to make women happy.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

This is one of my big things of creative pursuits. You have your idea you want to do, but then you got to figure out what does this thing want to be? You got to let it lead you a little.

A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

My wife is funny. And I dabble in it. So being funny is big around our house. But what's surprised me is my daughter can do an English accent. I don't know how she learned this.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

I think that you think that a certain something is not all that it could be, when, in fact, it is all that it should be, and more!

Cry when you get a Golden Globe. Then you can get an Oscar nomination.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

Festivus for the Restivus!

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

That's the most comfortable place for me. In the beginning, yes, I was nervous going on stage. I was not a natural performer. I really had to acquire that skill.

Most people, you do a TV series, it ends three, four, five years later; it's a relic.

I love energy. I love it. And I pursue it, and I want more of it. Physical and mental energy, to me, are the greatest riches of human life. And TM is like a free account of an endless amount of it.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

Having a 2 year old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

I love meeting Israeli people. They look at me like a son

When you've been in the business 5-years, as a person, it's like you're 5-years old - like a child. 10-years and you're 10-years old, 20... Etcetera. That's how I measure maturity in this industry.

Pain is usually represented by lightning attacking the guy. Glowing redness is also popular. Sometimes parts of the guy would just burst into flames.

No encounter, mouth open up ... that is how the drug businesses see the general public.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

Why would anybody want a friend?

I'd like to do one of those jumps they do in the movies; in a car, over a bridge, in the air with a huge explosion. It would be a final moment of entertainment.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.