George Carlin Quotes

If God is all powerful, can He make a stone so big that He Himself can't lift it?

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

The status quo sucks.

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

If you you think there is a solution, you're part of the problem.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

Hooray for most things!

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

Don't confuse my point of view with cynicism. The real cynics are the ones who tell you that everything's gonna be all right.

If people stand in a circle long enough, they'll eventually begin to dance.

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

Christians worship a dead Jew on a stick

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you.

Praying is begging for an unseen deity to alter the laws of nature for someone admittedly unworthy.

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

The straightest line between a straight distance is two points.

A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?

Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves.

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

We're not supposed to mention f***ing in mixed company, but that's exactly where it takes place.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

Religion cruelly exploits our need to feel connected.

At 68 I'm every age I ever was. I always think of that. I'm not just 68. I'm also 55 and 21 and three. Oh especially three.