George Carlin Quotes

My advice: just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

If you've got a cat and a leg, you've got a happy cat. If you've got a cat and two legs, you've got a party.

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

Catholics are against abortions. Catholics are against homosexuals. But, I can't think of anyone who has less abortions than homosexuals!

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Life is tough, then you die.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

Professional soldiers are people who die for a living.

I'm in favor of personal growth as long as it doesn't include malignant tumors.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.

The status quo sucks.

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.

For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Censorship that comes from the outside assumes about people an inability to make reasoned choices.

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

You're all going to die. I hate to remind you, but it is on your schedule. It probably won't happen when you'd like; generally, it's an inconvenience.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

Besides the drugs and counterculture, I started talking about myself, which is the first thing you do when you are a writer.

If you're reading it in a book, folks, it ain't self-help. It's help.