George Carlin Quotes

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National

The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.

I don't like the phrase shock value. Surprise is essential in comedy, and if people are shocked by what I consider merely surprising, then that's their shock. But there is no joke without surprise.

I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.

Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on to do one of two things: Take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.

Cigarette companies market heavily to young people. They need young customers because their product kills the older ones. It is the only product that, if used as intended, kills the consumer.

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

Everything beeps now.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

The Christians are coming to get you, and they are not pleasant people.

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

Personally, emotionally, I'd rather divorce myself from the world than face the heartbreak of partial success. Because partial success implies overwhelming failure.

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Humor is based on surprise, and surprise is a milder way of saying shock. It's surprise that makes the joke.

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

When it comes to God's existence, I'm not an atheist and I'm not agnostic. I'm an acrostic. The whole thing puzzles me.

Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

I consider the coke a major cause. Of course, you could also make the argument that because cocaine speeds up the heart, it's good for you.

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

I just love it when I hear a little commotion, someone leaving. When I see those doors in the back . . .

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.

I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. But I'm not in a league with Lenny [Bruce], certainly not in terms of social commentary.

We created god in our own image and likeness!

In adolescence you have to separate yourself and establish your identity. So, being very independent anyway, I took charge.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

Baseball is the only major sport that appears backwards in a mirror.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?