George Carlin Quotes
When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.
Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.
Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.’ And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it's because at the moment they're not actually dying.
You know what I like about the American form of government? They've worked things out so that you're never far from a 7-Eleven.
Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.
Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself."
The New Testament is not new anymore' it's thousands of years old. It's time to start calling it the Less Old Testament.
When you're born in this world you're given a ticket to the Freak Show. And when you're born in America, you're given a front row seat. And some of us get to sit there with notebooks.
We've learned how to make a living, but not a life. We've added years to life, not life to years.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.