George Carlin Quotes

Movies and television don't make you violent; all they do is channel the violence more creatively.

You show me something that doesn't cause cancer, and I'll show you something that isn't on the market yet.

Part of the pleasure of being alive is the knowledge that you're not dead yet.

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

I actually was a writer who had the ability to perform his own work as opposed to a comedian who wrote his own material. So that really made me happy and changed my whole perspective.

The captain has just turned on the fasten-seat-belt-sign. He didn't mean to, but the joint he was smoking fell in his lap, and when he jumped up, his head hit the switch.

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning. Going onstage had nothing to do with it.

No one is more himself than the moment when he's laughing at a joke. It's at those moments that people's defenses go down, and that's when you can slip in a good idea.

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Weather tonight: dark. Turning partly light by morning.

Thall shall keep thy religion to thy selves.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

People who own everything know how to relax a little and bend and exhale once in a while, but they're not going to let it get out of control.

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

Tonight's forecast: DARK. Continued mostly dark tonight, turning to wildly scattered light in the morning

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try.

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

I'm 63 now. But that's just 17 Celsius.

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

I saw Danny Kaye in a movie, and he was doing voices and faces on that big, big screen and making whole audiences laugh. It was just an instant hookup.

One philosopher has rightly said that property is theft. But I'd like to use my future ownership of property to give something back.

A pear is a failed apple.

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.

It's harder to be funny from the position of power.

Everyone should try to scratch their name on the bomb of life.

I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him.

I'll tell you a little secret about the Blues: it's not enough to know which notes to play, you have to know why they need to be played.

You never see a smiling runner.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.

Rhetoric paints with a broad brush.

Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin' ready to hang himself.

I hope we're not just human garbage drifting toward a big sewer. But I think so.

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.