George Carlin Quotes

I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

I never worry that all hell will break loose. My concern is that only part of hell will break loose and be much harder to detect.

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Always do whatever's next.

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'.

That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

There are ten thousand people in the United States in a persistent vegetative state. Just enough to start a small town. Think of them as veggie-burghers.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.

Put two things together which have never been put together before, and some schmuck will buy it.

I kind of like it when a lot of people die, and on the other hand I always wonder how many unused frequent-flier miles they had.

We [americans] are not a freedom-loving people in the beautiful, spiritual sense. We have an inspiring Constitution, but we're a hardhearted people.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

Writing books isn't a drastic departure from writing for the stage.

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

I believe myself to be a worthwhile and inventive performer in my own right. [And] I want to be known for what I do best.

My mother and I had a lot of distance between us emotionally, although, on the surface, most of the time, we appeared good and friendly, and all that. But I was a problem. I was a street kid.

Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.

There was a built-in audience for the rebel in me that had been all along not expressing himself.

I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.

You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. Acid and peyote were that way for me.

The secretiveness. The stealth. Those were obviously the aspects of cocaine use I was addicted to.

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning.

The base of evil in the world is religion of any kind

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

I go to bed early; my favorite dream comes on at nine.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Does killing time damage eternity?

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.

When you think about it, 12:15 P.M. is actually 11:75 A.M.

It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

Intelligence tests are biased toward the literate.

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.