Bill Maher Quotes

So many kids are fat drug addicts these days, it's almost as if Rush Limbaugh had puppies.

Why is Mitt Romney not bragging: 'I covered all these people'? Why can't the Democrats sell the idea, we're trying to make you well? Is that such a hard sale?

New Rule: The people of America who were most in favor of the Iraq War must now go there and fight it.

There is no such thing as a moderate Republican anymore.

Whoever needs the relationship less has all the power.

There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck.

If the NRA keeps messing with the President's daughters, they're going to have to start worrying about Michelle Obama's guns.

We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid.

There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.

In Republican fantasy world, everything is always Obama's fault. Somehow, he's weak and he's ineffective, and yet he pulls the strings on everything in the world.

I think Mitt Romney is a symptom. I think the problem is the Republican Party.

Space tourism is God's way of telling you you aren't spending enough on lap dances, baccarat and cocaine.

Disneyland's a mess. And it's not just the measles. Donald Duck has bird flu. Pocahontas has small pox. The Little Mermaid has crabs. And the Monorail? Mono.

Of course, there are questions that plague all of us. How did we get here? What happens when we die? Is there a heaven? Am I on the list? Who let the dogs out?

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

Don't wear bacon cologne. If you put on...you know what? Screw it. Wear it. If you are the type of guy who is tempted to wear bacon cologne, it's not like you could get laid any less.

It's a little strange when you have never been to war, and you eye-roll about a guy who's got shrapnel still in his body, as Chuck Hagel does.

I'm a pessimist by nature. A pot head, but a pessimist.

I think I know now why we are occupying Iraq. In case we have to sell America and move to a smaller country.

New polls show that Obama is now pulling away from Mitt Romney. And, of course, what could be more natural than to see Mitt Romney and pull away?

You are what you do. It's about actions.

Tiger Woods apologized to the three women in America he never got around to sleeping with.

I would wager that the number of civilians that were killed [in] a typical week under Saddam Hussein was probably more than we killed during the weeks we were at war there.

For the first time since 1979, we are talking to the Islamic Republic of Iran. Obama says talking to him is probably pointless, but it's a hell of a relief from Mitch McConnell.

This is America. We don't call an election before we know who won. That, after all, is the job of the Supreme Court.

I'm worried about a permanent Republican majority. That's what I'm worried about for the future.

Why are the patriots the ones who don't want to spend money on trains?

Paul Revere was warning the British about gun control, and George Washington apparently was crossing the Delaware to bomb an abortion clinic.

Nobody sees people as people. It's all how they relate to my little group.

I'm not defending what Cory Booker said. I'm saying I understand why he has to kiss the asses of the rich people on Wall Street, because there's no other way to keep his city afloat.

I would rather put up with Rush Limbaugh and live in a country where we all do have freedom of speech.

Tea-baggers love the truth. They just hate facts.

Good presidents, people like George Bush, they SEND people to war. They don't bring them a rescue. This is America. We rescue insurance companies and banks.

Did you see Britney Spears at the Video Music Awards? I don't want to say that that performance was a disaster, but after the show, I saw Rudy Giuliani having his picture taken standing on her.

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

Why are there so many puritans in this country, and why can't the rest of us make them go away?!

Saddam Hussein is Hitler like Oasis was The Beatles.

I don't want to be a pessimist. I'm a realist. One man's realist is another man's pessimist.

But isn't there something wrong when I'm the only guy in the country that got fired for 9/11?

I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.

Republicans are obsessed with abortion...if they really wanted to protect the weakest, most helpless people, wouldn't they protect the Democrats?

The electricity is back on in Baghdad. That is a very climactic moment in any country's liberation, when the lights come back on and you get a good look at what you looted.

They told us to buy duct tape and portable radios so that if the world does end, we can all listen to Rush Limbaugh blame it on Clinton.

There is good news. Scientists sent a probe down there in the Gulf of Mexico today and they found traces of seawater.

During the debate, Bush was asked by a lady to name three mistakes he's made. And Bush responded, this debate, the last debate and the next debate.

What kind of tyrant punishes everyone just to get back at the few he's mad at? I mean, besides Chris Christie.

This week Sarah Palin's memoir became a bestseller. It's not even out yet. It's being translated into English.

I hear this all the time: 'Obama's policies aren't working.' He hasn't been allowed to put his policies into place.

Religion is bad and drugs are good.