Bill Maher Quotes

I'm okay with it now that Obama’s in office. I'm kind of trusting of him. But President Ted Cruz? Where this is going would bother me.

Today Obama was seen leaving the White House in a nurse's uniform on a flight to Cuba to smother Castro with a pillow.

We've created over 200,000 jobs every month this year. Hasn't happened in 17 years. I guess my first question is, when do the Republicans stop calling it 'Obama's economy'?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but Obama looks like he DOES need a teleprompter.

Time magazine put Chris Christie on the cover with the caption, 'The Elephant in the Room.' And People magazine named him 'Sexiest Garbage Truck in a Suit.'

I'd just like to know what a cop WOULD have to do to get indicted - and what good are cop cameras since Eric Garner IS on tape?

I have two dogs. If I had retarded children, I'd be a hero. And yet, the dogs are pretty much the same thing.

I love the Tea Party. They are the ultimate beer goggles. They make everything look better.

Catholicism has changed tremendously in recent years. Now when Communion is served there is also a salad bar.

I think we need to change that old saying, "I don't need a building to fall on me." Because two did and we still don't get it. I think we all stick our head in the sand as a deep human impulse.

[George W. Bush] has balls. And he's a leader. Unfortunately his balls and leadership are in the service of shitty ideas. We need his balls on someone who thinks right.

What is "martinizing" and why does it only take one hour?

You know, the only place in America where the millionaires and billionaires are predominantly liberal is here in Hollywood.

Death is the monster we all fear, yet with each day, we walk toward it, and can't help doing so; we can't help but walk toward the one thing we're most trying to avoid.

I kid Fox News, but they may be a little biased. We had an earthquake here on Monday, and they reported that 'the earth's crust was emboldened by Obama's weakness.'

The Republicans proved they are not the party of 'no.' They're the party of 'f**k, no!'

A cult is a cult, and that's what a frat is. A place where they strip you of your personality and rebuild it in their image.

Rick Santorum beat Mitt Romney in three states on Tuesday. Got a huge amount of fundraising. That's the good news for Rick Santorum. The bad news: people are now Googling 'Santorum.'

A new biography of Madonna came out last week, and apparently the biography lists all the men she's slept with. The book is apparently called the Manhattan Telephone Directory.

Between Ron Paul and Rick Perry, I think the lesson is don't get sick in Texas.

When you tolerate intolerance, you're not really being a liberal.

The food is out of this world!

All I did was tell the truth. That's is what the whole show is about! And if Politically Incorrect has to go down for it, so be it!

Anyone who is elected mayor of a place called "Sin City" is allowed to be a drunk.

The country can't get well if the people are sick. And the people are sick.

Jesus is not a candle. A company in South Dakota is selling candles with the scent of Jesus. You light one and your friends says, Christ, what's that smell?

Canadian bacon isn't bacon. It's ham.

When we make mistakes they call it evil

I can't stay mad at Pope Frank. I just can't. It's a funny situation that I like the pope and Mel Gibson doesn't.

The idea that I hear from the right wing in the last few decades, is that any sort of sacrifice is an affront to my liberty as an American to be a pig the way I want to.

'The Lorax,'...it's a mythical, woodland creature, right, who's for saving trees. He speaks for the trees because no one else can. Kind of the way conservatives speak for fetuses.

Every time [Rand Paul] opens his mouth, it gets a little crazier. Today he angrily demanded that the liberal media stop quoting him in context.

I think Democrats are complacent. They think that Russia is going to save us. Bob Mueller is going to come in with a report.

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion. I do believe that. I think that religion stops people from thinking. I think it justifies crazies.

I'm not into western medicine. That to me is a complete scare tactic.

It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.

If you ignore every single thing Jesus told you to do, you are just auditing. You're not a Christian.

It would be kind of a tragedy if we got to the end of four years of Democratic rule without having really tried any Democratic policies.

To give you an idea how slowly we are leaving Afghanistan, Afghans don't refer to us anymore as 'infidel crusaders.' They refer to us as 'Irish relatives.'

I understand we're on our way to being a Third World country. Could we just stop at 'Second World' before we get there?

Dealing w/ Hamas is like dealing w/ a crazy woman who’s trying to kill u – u can only hold her wrists so long before you have to slap her.

Meat is dirty. I wouldn't touch a hot dog without a condom on it

I love Jesus. I just don't like the Christians who don't believe in what he says.

Obama has had more fundraisers than the last six presidents combined. And he's still losing in the money race!

You'd know if I was the de-facto leader of the Democratic Party, because you'd go down to Walgreen's and buy a pack of blunts.

I have such disdain for anybody who gets joy out of blowing the stuffing out of a little woodland creature, that I don't really care if any of them gets shot.

Just be happy that something traveled 5,000 miles across the Pacific and, for once, it wasn't your job.

This is why rational people - anti-religionists - must end their timidity and come out of their closet and assert themselves.

I have a theory that the Internet makes people stupider. And Also FOX News makes people stupider.

There are people who think everything is a conspiracy and I think they're crazy.