Bill Maher Quotes

Who takes care of their people better? FEMA or Hezbollah?

The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it?

I don't dislike children, I just don't particularly want to be around with them a lot. Problem is, neither do their parents.

I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do.

A lot of people say they are dyslexic; some have to realize that they are just stupid.

Let us not become so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance.

The New York Times - but the whole country gives it that weight. It's like the Asian kid in math class. Everybody in the media cheats off The New York Times.

If there is such a thing as karma, let's hope that Sarah Palin comes back as a wolf being shot at from a plane.

Love does not conquer all.

God makes trees, he doesn't write books.

There's no greater model, in my view, than Jesus Christ.

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

I have two questions about Arnold Schwarzenegger. What does he know, and when will he know it?

I think the funniest stuff comes from the heaviest stuff.

We've been on a long break and I've just been kicking back, doing nothing. Like our government.

Republicans look to find the future and they find radio.

Greed can overtake smart.

If the Hamas people had the opportunity, they would kill the maximum number of Israelis, which would be all. And, Israel has the opportunity to kill way more, and they do not.

Sarah Palin has strong opinions on the Libyans. She said, 'Marriage is between a man and a woman and Libyans like Rachel Maddow are what's ruining this country.'

Bush the younger has two things going for him that his father never had. One: an easy charm with regular people and two: the power to make them disappear without a trial.

The only way for mankind to survive is for religion to die.

The politicians are no prizes, but the people are even worse, they're so ill-informed. I never understand the pushback when I say people are stupid.

Americans are used to being pandered to and spoon-fed everything. In a culture that needs caffeine-free cherry chocolate diet Coke, you'd best deliver information with entertainment.

In fact, because people are religious, they think they can do bad things.

Because of the Republicans, I'm not ashamed of being an American. I'm embarrassed!

The unemployment rate is now at 9.2%, which is scary, because experts say 9.5 is the point at which people are desperate enough to consider Michele Bachmann.

Remember, guns don't kill people - unless you practice real hard.

It's going to be Perry, it's going to be Romney...It's sort of a battle for the soul of the Republican Party - and they have no soul, but the space where a soul would be.

My father was a news guy, you know, he was in radio news. And so that was sort of in my DNA. It was something we talked about at the dinner table when I was a kid.

Rick Santorum said this week that his 12-year-old could out-reason me about God. Look, I am not about to debate a home-schooled 12-year-old. I have enough trouble with Sarah Palin.

Democrats are lame. The media is lame. And Donald Trump hasn't even played his war card yet. You know, he could start a war and get a lot of support there.

Community is gathering around a fire and listening to someone tell a story.

I don't hate America. I love America. I want it to be better. The only way we can get it to be better is to realistically criticize what's wrong with it.

I believe in God, I just give him more credit than being a single parent and an author.

A lot of people have warned President Clinton that Bosnia will turn into another Vietnam, which would be embarrassing for him because he'll have to go back to college.

BP today finally managed to almost completely stop the flow of information.

The only silver lining I can find is that British accents aren't sexy anymore.

Only cowards push a button from thousands of miles away, or tens of thousands of feet up, to kill people who can't possibly fight back.

I believe only foreigners should run for president...Face it, the presidency is a lousy job. And who does lousy jobs we don't want anymore better than foreigners?

Eric Holder, our attorney general, says the Mr. Snowden will be brought to justice. Just as soon as we can find someone who can track his calls and read his emails.

Trump is a little tone-deaf to the average American. He unveiled his slogan this week: 'Are you better off than you were four wives ago?'

Romney, Gingrich, Santorum spent their week lecturing America about the morality of birth control. You know, you guys don't need birth control, you are birth control.

The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?

Why is the AMA for 'Obamacare'? If this is going to hurt doctors, why are they for 'Obamacare'?

If a President must constantly remind the people that we're at war, then we're not.

When you hear a lobby called Partnership for a Drug-Free America, just remember - they do not want a drug free America. They want an America free of drugs that are their competitors.

How can the Republicans get away with picking their Dennis Kucinich, but when - if the Democrats tried it, all hell would break lose?

Lip-synching?! Let that be a lesson. If you are in Washington, D.C., and you open your mouth and another voice comes out, it better be the NRA, an oil company or a bank.

Donald Rumsfeld also lost his gig last week. When asked what his future plans are, Rumsfeld said, 'What's a plan?'

I think the reason why more rapists go into the military is the same reason why predators go into the Catholic Church. It's a place they know they can get away with it.