Bill Maher Quotes

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world that you are not an imperialist, the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.

I always say to my religious friends, if a pool had even one turd in it, would you jump in?

Well, I hate to tell youbut if you have a flu shot for more than five years in a row, there's ten times the likelihood that you'll get Alzheimer's disease.

The tea baggers. The one thing they hate is when you call them racist. The other thing they hate is black people. But they won't say it.

Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor.

I love trains. It's the only way to travel anymore where it doesn't involve a TSA agent slowly tracing the curve of my inner thigh.

The jury could get the case as early as next week, but the defense says they just want to introduce one last-minute load of crap.

This is a powerful message from our government: we will not be intimidated by bombs; we will not be intimidated by poison; this is America, if you're a violent, paranoid lunatic, you must use a gun!

It was quite a sight to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace Prize winner in his.

You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.

In America, you’re allowed to justify almost any kind of bigotry, sexism, or intolerance if you source it to God’s big book of bad ideas.

One of the advantages of atheism is takes so little of your time.

We don't really have to make fun of religion - it makes fun of itself.

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers, Republican congressmen do to the country.

People are very narcissistic. It's not all their fault. We live in a society where there is a magazine for you, a channel for you, a perfume for you.

My policy is I am always more than happy to say, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." What I am not willing to do is take back what I said. Unless I am wrong.

Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common - they're both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.

In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.'

Even when [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke said the recession was over ... you think that would have been a bigger boom somewhere, but it seems we just take everything in stride.

Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

This is my question for conservatives: don't you want to live, too?

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

[The Republicans] are always asking the Muslims to denounce their extremists. And I agree with them. But they don't take that note and do it among their own. They don't denounce their own extremists.

People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it's just laughable.

Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag.

To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like.

The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy

We don't do sensible things. This is America.

Guys you have way too much invested in sport. Guys you are not the tenth man. You're a machine for turning beer into piss that's what you are!

Ebola has arrived in New York City. And I say, 'if it can make it there...it can make it anywhere!'

I couldn't run for any office. I think that religion is bad, weed is good, and babies are disgusting; who would vote for me?

There was one awkward moment where a black man stood-up to ask a question and out of habit, Bush said 'Clemency denied.'

The car bomb was fertilizer, gasoline, fireworks and propane tanks...still safer than a Toyota.

It just seems like atheists are not included in the basket of diversity in America, which is odd because we are the biggest minority. That is a bigger minority than any other minority you can name.

My father said, Bring along your best girl. This is something you say to a pimp!

More astronauts have been to the moon than farmers who paid the inheritance tax in 2013.

Glenn Beck retired or got fired...and a lot of people are asking who will now speak for the raving lunatics who startle you outside of a parking garage?

First they didn't believe in evolution. Then they didn't believe in global warming. Now the debt ceiling. What I call 'the moron trifecta.'

Rand Paul and Chris Christie both said vaccinations should be a choice, not a government mandate. Because when have Republicans ever told people what they could do with their own bodies?

The teachers don't know anything. What are the kids going to learn with a horrible education system?

The comedy gods are smiling on me tonight.

Rick Santorum has come out against contraception and against college. He wants us literally to be f**king stupid.

Scientists say an 8.9 earthquake here could knock down buildings, flood coastal areas... and improve the roads.

I think the news people no longer have any idea of what covering the news is.

Their [Republicans] approach to a woman's body is the same as their approach to the economy: they have no idea how it works, but they're eager to screw with it anyway.

Life is about making tough choices. Sometimes you have to go where your career is going.

You talk about 'Obama is going to herd us into FEMA brainwashing camps.' Maybe your brain needs a little washing.

In this country your guilty until proven wealthy.