Bill Maher Quotes

Is it [hunting] really a sport if you have all the equipment and your opponent doesn't know a game is going on?

Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.

I don't think all life is precious. I know people say that all the time, "Life is precious." I think some life is precious, and some life is just a waste of protoplasm. Start over.

If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you Pope.

The difference between the three Abrahamic religions: Christianity - mumbling to the ceiling, Judaism - mumbling to the wall, Islam - mumbling to the floor.

The Hollywood executives are, like, ‘We’re not racist, we just have to pretend to be racists because we’re capitalists. We want to sell our movies in China (and) they don’t like Kevin Hart.’

I do miss George Bush. Compared to these teabaggers and the people who are pandering to them, he looks like a professor.

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.

Death is nature's way of killing you.

Based on every statement I’ve heard out of any Republican in the last two years, the Israelis are controlling our government.

Beating Newt Gingrich in a popularity contest is like beating Stephen Hawking in 'Dancing with the Stars.'

Maybe a president who didn't believe our soldiers were going to heaven might be a little less willing to get them killed.

The Republican Party is like the corpse in 'Weekend at Bernies' and the Tea Party is like the two guys who put sunglasses and a party hat on it and drag it around.

Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.

The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.

The difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is that the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality.

President Obama invited John McCain to the White House to give his opinion on Egypt, specifically what it's like to be a mummy.

Curious people are intersting people, I wonder why that is.

If conservatives get to call universal healthcare 'socialized medicine,' I get to call private, for-profit healthcare 'soulless, vampire bastards making money off human pain.'

The idea that men are from Mars and women are from Venus is a bunch of bullshit. Treat her like you would a friend, and you'll wind up with a lover.

Every time somebody says 'Islamophobia' it gives the people who are intimidating cover.

Face the fact that there's only one sure-fire way to erase credit card debt. By picking up a big, shiny pair of scissors and cutting your wife in half.

I never, ever in my life tried to be outrageous. I've only ever tried to say what was truly on my mind and not pull punches about it.

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about...Religion is dangerous because it allows human beings, who don't have all the answers, to think that they do.

In the Republican party, crazy is a constituency.

I think capital punishment works great. Every killer you kill never kills again.

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end, and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.

Tea Party has now cost the Republicans 5 senate seats. My next donation is going to them.

Again, (America is) a stupid country with stupid people who don't pay attention.

Thanks [Donald] Trump for exposing evangelicals as 'shameless hypocrites'.

When you get people who are out of office, suddenly their tongues loosen up and suddenly they say the things that you wish they'd said or did when they were in office.

Things aren't right. If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him, he can sue you. For what, restraint of trade?

Did you see the 2000 Republican Presidential Convention? The last time the Republicans had that many Black people on a stage, they were selling them!

It's very hard not to be condescending when you're explaining something to an idiot.

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt?

There is no debate here, just scientists and non-scientists. And since the subject is science, the non-scientists don't get a vote.

When I was in high school the worst thing you could ever get was VD. Talk about the sniffles! I just want to meet an old-fashioned girl with gonorrhea.

What we don't know is about Jeb Bush and cocaine. But we do know that he did once had his brother Florida on a silver platter.

The people who got everything wrong are back on TV talking about the place they got all wrong? Cheney, Bill Kristol, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle. It's like Satan's VIP list for Hell.

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country. How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.

Hey birthers, wanna hear my theory? My theory was that Obama was born in America and you were born with the umbilical cord around your neck.

You can behead people, you can crucify them, you can cut their hearts out and eat them on YouTube...but, don't screw with the place where God hid America's oil.

March Madnesss...the only place where you hear 'Kansas is advancing.'

You're not a patriot unless even when you lose, it's still your country.

Why did Mitt Romney strap his dog to the roof of his car? Could it be because his station wagon was full of wives?

We had a national tragedy this week, and the President of the United States and Sarah Palin both made speeches on the same day. Obama came out against lunatics with guns, she gave the rebuttal.

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

You can't pray away global warming, and that's the difference between religious people and sane people.