Bill Maher Quotes

The only thing I hate worse than prophecy is self-fulfilling prophecy

To paraphrase the great Will Rogers, El Rusho never met a pharmacist he did not like.

Your fuselage shouldn't open more easily than your pretzel bag.

People like the Mormons and the Scientologists, who I think should combine and make a Mormontologist because what they believe is just so out there it's just laughable.

[The Republicans] are always asking the Muslims to denounce their extremists. And I agree with them. But they don't take that note and do it among their own. They don't denounce their own extremists.

I would describe my spirituality as exactly the opposite of having a religious affiliation.

This is my question for conservatives: don't you want to live, too?

The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned, not nailed.

Russia has banned all adoptions to Americans. So, if you were hoping to get a little white kid with fetal alcohol syndrome, you're going to have to wait until Lindsay Lohan reproduces.

Even when [Federal Reserve Chairman Ben] Bernanke said the recession was over ... you think that would have been a bigger boom somewhere, but it seems we just take everything in stride.

In today's Republican Party, there's a term for people who hate charity and love killing: 'Christian.'

Hillary Clinton and Nancy Reagan have a lot in common - they're both smarter than their husbands and both consulted the stars for guidance, Nancy with astrology and Hillary with Barbra Streisand.

My policy is I am always more than happy to say, "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." What I am not willing to do is take back what I said. Unless I am wrong.

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

Sarah Palin should not be on vacation. She should be in summer school.

A flu shot just compromises your immune system.

The public is gullible. ... If [many satirists are] making the same joke, that's the danger. Then there's a solidifying effect and it becomes a truth.

As you go down the path of life, ask whats true. Not who else believes it.

Shouldn't we be against procreation at this point in time? With overpopulation and the strain on the resources on this planet? Shouldn't we reward people who don't spawn?

I hate religion. I think it's a neurological disorder.

New Rule: News organizations have to stop using the phrase: "We go beyond the headlines." That's your job, dummy. You don't see American Airlines saying, "We land our jets on the runway"!

Faith means making a virtue out of not thinking. It's nothing to brag about.

Tt just seems to be human nature to seem to want to posit in another human being, qualities that you must know, in part of your mind, that human being couldn't possess because you don't possess.

The Democrats are very bad at selling their own product. The Republicans are geniuses at it. And I've said it before, a bad product well apologized for is superior in this country to a good product.

Failing to warn the citizens of a looming weapon of mass destruction- and that's what global warming is- in order to protect oil company profits, well, that fits for me the definition of treason.

Don't you miss the days when America was just morally bankrupt?

New rule: Stop calling it Obamacare. It's not like Obama will be the doctor for your next prostate exam. That's just a common fantasy of Republican men.

I think America causes cancer, longevity is less important than fun, and young people should be discouraged from voting.

Why are we working so hard to preserve Iraq, a fake country to begin with? Why do we care whether this fake country that was drawn on the map 100 years ago remains?

All across the Middle East in the streets, people are demanding democracy. It's amazing. The only way in America you get people to get worked up like that is to threaten to give them health care.

That's what American democracy has come down to at these town hall meetings: old people and gun nuts, which is a terrible combination. I heard somebody yell 'AK-47!' and a lady yelled, 'Bingo!'

You know, we do a lot of complaining here in America. And that itself is something they can't do in a lot of other countries.

How come regional pandering only works in one direction, right? You never see a Southern politician trying to win votes in New York State by saying, 'I read books and make a mean vegan meatloaf.'

Talk to women who've ever dated an Arab man. The results are not good.

Married men live longer. Yes. And an indoor cat also lives longer. It's a furball with a broken spirit, that can only look out on a world it can never enjoy. But it does technically live longer.

you know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

America is like a dog. I'm sorry, but it is. It cannot understand actual words. It understands inflection. It understands fear. But you can't actually explain issues to a dog.

Religion is detrimental to the progress of society.

Only a Bush could answer a 'yes' or 'no' question two different ways and be wrong both times.

Germs do not have a political party.

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I'll be damned if Rick Perry didn't take me up on that.

New Rule: Someone has to tell Francesco Schettino that embracing a callous policy of "every man for himself" doesn't make you a sea captain. It makes you the Republican nominee.

Newt Gingrich...is absolutely for bombing Iran and for lowering gas prices. And I've just to say, you can't be for both. They are diametrically opposed.

Religion is insanity by consensus.

I always compare marriage to communism. They're both institutions that don't conform to human nature, so you're going to end up with lying and hypocrisy.

I never hear terrorists say 'Merry Christmas,' only 'Allahu Akbar'.

If we were a dog and God owned us, the cops would come and take us away.

New Jersey Mayor Corey Booker last night personally rescued a woman from a burning building. Or as Fox News reported it, 'black man loots house, steals white woman.'

Between trying to impeach Bill Clinton, Florida 2000, and the recall in California, I'm beginning to think that Republicans will do anything to win an election-except get the most votes.

Obama is huge in the polls these days. His popularity is soaring. Even conservatives are coming around. 30 percent of them now believe Obama deserves a Green Card.