Now people want Brian Williams to resign, but it could have a happy ending. Apparently what he said was such a blatant departure from the truth, today he got an offer from Fox News.

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm the Beatles.

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him?

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them.

If you have a gun, you can rob a bank, but if you have a bank, you can rob everyone.

False hope really makes you cynical.

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

It's not getting any better for the American people. It seems to be getting worse. That's predictable; education is a cycle. Stupidity breeds more stupidity.

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes. He's never wrong, no matter what crazy thing he says. He's totally - he's the white Kanye.

I challenge you to find a more innocuous sentence containing the words sperm, suction, swallow, and any homophone of seaman. And then call me up on the homophone and read it to me.

Without the will or desire to achieve one is like flotsam on the oceans of time.

Running is an effort to escape from comfort zone.

I think one of the coolest things you can do is disappear for a while, because it gives you the chance to re-emerge. To sort of pounce out of the jungle.

To offend is my pleasure; I love to be hated.

E canchis amnia. Everything from shells.

What I have written-and how I came to write it-is most powerfully what I am.

If you pay too much attention to hate, they win...they bring you down. Too much love in the world to deal with that nonsense. Be positive.

President Trump's made it clear that his administration is going to put the safety and security of the American people first.

Fact is stranger than fiction. You see people walking down the street that would never be allowed on television. You have to tone it down.