Once you do a joke and it works it's only good for so long, like shooting fish in a barrel.

To me this is not yelling. I am not yelling. I'm just passionate about my opinions and I want to tell you all of them before you start talking again.

Haven't you noticed that every time the government f-ks up McDonald's has a new sandwich?

Only an adult with dying dreams can appreciate how awesome it is to have a dog.

God's everywhere, but I gotta go down (to church) to see him? Really? And he's mad at me down there, and I owe you money?

Let's go to Brunch. What a great idea! Why would you want to sleep in on a Sunday when you can go pay $18 for eggs? Now, you're thinking.

Surround yourself with positive people. Also, be a positive person. Root for people. Somebody else's success is not your failure.

My favorite kind of humor is basically, if it was happening to you, it wouldn't be funny, but to observe it, it's hilarious.

Nothing worse than when a 6 acts like a 10.

I've never wanted to kill myself over anything major. It's always the little things that do me in.

Your twenties is all about taking your childhood out on everyone that you run into.

I wonder if I will ever have the strength to hold onto something. Or if I will always be someone who destroys.

You’re being nicer to me than I've been to you lately, " I said."Yes, I am. But then, Hitler was nicer to Poland than you've been to me lately.

The fact is, we are leaky vessels, and we have to keep right under the fountain all the time to keep full of Christ, and so have fresh supply.

All suggested accounts of the origin of the solar system are subject to serious objections. The conclusion in the present state of the subject would be that the system cannot exist.

Poetry is philosophy's sister, the one that wears makeup.

If I could tell the story in words, I wouldn't need to lug around a camera.

Even a total and universal disarmament does not guarantee the maintenance of peace.

Most of my stories are ideas in action. In other words, I get a concept, and I let it run away. I find a character to act out the idea. And then the story takes care of itself.

Take but degree away, untune that string, and hark, what discord follows!

Maids want nothing but husbands, and when they have them, they want everything.