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Ambrose Bierce Quotes

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Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals."

MUMMY, n. - an ancient Egyptian handy, too, in museums in gratifying the vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower animals.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick."

HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with his best wishes, cat-quick.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," 1697"

APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. The flabby wine-skin of his brain Yields to some pathologic strain, And voids from its unstored abysm The driblet of an aphorism. "The Mad Philosopher," 1697



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph.""

OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A lesser "triumph."




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns."

LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as opportunity to the maker of puns.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence."

Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Habit: A shackle for the free."

Habit: A shackle for the free.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured."

Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion."

REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage."

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think."

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.




Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle."

A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage."

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding."

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling."

Idiot, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship."

Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen."

Patriotism is as fierce as a fever, pitiless as the grave, blind as a stone, and irrational as a headless hen.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience."

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their destitution of conscience.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly."

April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver."

Debt, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slavedriver.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility."

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit without individual responsibility.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination."

Incompatibility. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly the taste for domination.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk."

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for getting drunk.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action."

PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed."

Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders."

Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that"

HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the medical student does that



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness."

Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world."

Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity."

He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it."

PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success."

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two."

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress, and two slaves, making in all, two.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible."

CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but less indigestible.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland."

KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude . . ."

ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of filial ingratitude . . .



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "A miracle is an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king."

A miracle is an act or event out of the order of nature and unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with four aces and a king.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement."

A revolution is a violent change of mismanagement.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Gout, a physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient"

Gout, a physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted."

GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account."

Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "The covers of this book are too far apart."

The covers of this book are too far apart.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense."

Friendless. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."

Philosophy: A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead."

Ambition. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.



Ambrose Bierce Quotes: "Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay."

Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.