I've always been the king of silence. I've always been a minimalist comedian. I've taken my influence from Jack Benny, who was the king of that I've always done 'less is more.'

I was in Kashmir last weekend. Went to visit one of my sweaters.

A lot of alliteration from anxious anchors placed in powerful posts!

I'm not a big fan of the post-Armageddon stories, where Denzel Washington is walking around in a torn coat.

Wouldn't this be a great world if insecurity and desperation made us more attractive?

Your spouse should be just attractive enough to turn you on. Anything more is trouble.

If you want to be a writer, just write. There's no magic to it.

Getting older is a lot of fun. Right up there with chewing glass or putting your hand in a blender.

I can't not put humor in a book.

When I die, if the word 'thong' appears in the first or second sentence of my obituary, I've screwed up.

Relaxation is the absence of worry.

The purpose of life is to discover your gift. The meaning of life is to give your gift away.

The devil will do everything to get you disappointed in God

As somebody who's been writing about this subject for getting on twenty years now, it's astonishing how the climate has changed in the last five years.

I'm worried about a permanent Republican majority. That's what I'm worried about for the future.

I want to see the economy rebound.

Samsara is the mind turned outwardly, lost in its projections. Nirvana is the mind turned inwardly, recognizing its true nature.

I don't ever participate in debates about the existence or nonexistence of God because I can't imagine why anyone would be persuaded one way or the other by such things.

Online is online. It's a whole other world. It's not actually real life.

The political machine triumphs because it is a united minority acting against a divided majority.

I have had to eat my own words many times, and I have found it a very nourishing diet.