you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I shall die, but that is all that I shall do for Death.

Which do you want to be: a proficient manager or a Leader of Character? The first creates compliant employees. The second leads committed followers!

But space shrinks when you get old, and things lose their wonder, and the wisest thing to do then is to try your best to sleep.

We're not to be surprised at all what we see happening in every part of the world. It's a change of the return of things.

I know a lot of the intense moments in 'Titanic' were made that much easier and were pushed to even further limits because of that relationship.

In Bakersfield, California, a Mexican strawberry picker with an income of $14,000 and no English was lent every penny he needed to buy a house for $724,000.

Seventy percent of what I write, I throw out. I can write very easily, but writing original things is the hard bit.

Somewhere in a burst of glory / Sound becomes a song.

I feel that people need to be jolted out of their comfort zones.

Do you really know what's going on And if you don't... find out