two things do me in: one's chocolate cake, the other's hypocrisy.

The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

Excuse the mess but we live here.

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I've done my job.

Half the world's starving; the other half is trying to lose weight.

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.

I call myself a 'domestic goddess.

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?

I quit smoking. I feel better. I smell better. And it's safer to drink out of old beer cans laying around the house.

So you're going to have to ask yourselves on simple question: Which one of us is speaking now?

They say never trust a skinny chef, but the fact is, to stay healthy when you're a chef means you have to work twice as hard.

It's through our unique flaws that our individuality can be expressed.

We feign pity when we want to demonstrate our ascendancy over feelings of hostility: but usually in vain. Whenever we notice this,there is an accompanying surge in those hostile sensations.

Aid my disillusionment, my friend!

You can work with me—or you can wade through the blood and bodies after I'm done.

It is better to do the smallest thing in the world than to hold half an hour to be too small a thing.

I am not afraid of anything. I am voting for Hillary Clinton because I am excited and enthusiastic.

You know what would help the instruction form? Verbs! Verbs would be nice! Because they help you get to the end of a thought!

For some reason, a lot of Hollywood big shots are curious to see how they'd be drawn with bulging eyes and no chin.