if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Write every day. Even if it's only a letter.

You may need courage to say "NO", But you must be brave enough to say "YES" and not to do it

First times are always sacred. May we never run out of "firsts

A camera is just like a woman, as long as you have one of them hanging around your neck....life is just fine

There is an indomitable quality within the human spirit that cannot be destroyed; a face deep within the human personality that is impregnable to all assaults.

We imagine that when we are thrown out of our usual ruts all is lost, but it is only then that what is new and good begins. While there is life there is happiness. There is much, much before us.

In much of the world, the most dangerous thing a woman can do is become pregnant.

I consider myself more a craftsman than an artist.

It is not by change of place that we can come nearer to Him who is in every place, but by the cultivation of pure desires and virtuous habits.

The Life Triumphant is that which places what a man gives to the world in creative expression far ahead of that which he takes from it of the creations of others.