Zombies can't believe the energy we waste on nonfood pursuits.

I want to experience as many different tastes, sights, emotions, conflicts, and cultures as possible, so that I can expand the canvas of my memory and enrich my comedy.

People will find transformation and transcendence in a McDonald's hash brown if it's all they've got.

hobos' (a slang term that combines the words 'hope' and 'bowl of beans given to me for free by a woman who then initiated intercourse')

If someone like this were to like me, to like my comedy, and to like the way I conduct myself professionally, it would mean that I suck as a person.

Silence is the best music when you are in need of silence and music is the best silence when you are in need of music!

If we fail to learn from our trials and errors then we truly fail.

It is the privilege of adults to give advice. It is the privilege of youth not to listen. Both avail themselves of their privileges, and the world rocks along.

Democracy is the worst kind of government, I'm sorry. Would you still call yourself a Christian if they elected a new Jesus every four years?

You can't make a sculpture until you've got a lump of rock.

What I have found is that real friends stand by you.

I would give my best quartet for a good razor.

You would be better off having nobody than the wrong somebody. (On marrying for the wrong reasons.)

Dont shoot the messenger for revealing uncomfortable truths.

If I could go back to my younger self, I'd be like, "Not everything's permanent."