You know the awkward class photo when you're sitting there for your school picture and you're 14 or something and you've got braces, and you don't know how to smile, and you've got a hard-on.

Bigfoot loves celebrities. You just have to bring celebrities that Bigfoot loves. It would probably be just gorgeous women.

I would host a show where I take famous people out into the woods every week to find Bigfoot. I would do that. And you know what? We would find him in like a week.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

I've stolen a lot. Let me think about the best thing I've stolen. Stolen a lot of hearts.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.

Most monuments are not something you're going to keep me out of. And I go to a lot of monuments.

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

I've seen Jaws [movie], like, 800 times. And I love it.

That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

Don't ever use duct tape on your privates. That's what I always tell people.

If you have a goal, write it down. If you do not write it down, you do not have a goal - you have a wish.

Mental –ill health is delusion.

You put deadlines on people you really don't want, because that's how you feel about them.

Anyone who has brought up children knows that consistency has absolutely nothing to do with discipline.

If you're not willing to speak out for the rights of other people, then who do you expect to speak out for you when it's your turn?

You've got two options: Tap or SNAP !!!

She's got Greta Garbo's standoff sighs, she's got Bette Davis eyes.

On October 19, 1949, I got a telephone call from the Philadelphia (A's) front office informing me I had been traded to the White Sox for Joe Tipton. I was surprised and hurt.

I'd like to change the depictions of life, love, and adventure under what's known as the typical, overused backdrop of Hollywood.

If you are lucky enough to find love, remember it is there and don't throw it away.