That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

Bigfoot loves celebrities. You just have to bring celebrities that Bigfoot loves. It would probably be just gorgeous women.

I would host a show where I take famous people out into the woods every week to find Bigfoot. I would do that. And you know what? We would find him in like a week.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

You know the awkward class photo when you're sitting there for your school picture and you're 14 or something and you've got braces, and you don't know how to smile, and you've got a hard-on.

I've stolen a lot. Let me think about the best thing I've stolen. Stolen a lot of hearts.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.

Most monuments are not something you're going to keep me out of. And I go to a lot of monuments.

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

I've seen Jaws [movie], like, 800 times. And I love it.

Don't ever use duct tape on your privates. That's what I always tell people.

...and for a great deal it seemed good to him, for in the music there were no flaws.

The first step toward change is acceptance. Once you accept yourself you open the door to change. That's all you have to do. Change is not something you do it's something you allow.

Decision and determination are the engineer and fireman of our train to opportunity and success.

I've started to really become aware of the world we live in, what's really going on.

The lowest form of popular culture - lack of information, misinformation, disinformation, and a contempt for the truth or the reality of most people's lives - has overrun real journalism.

The story goes on in the sense that at a most basic level, the United States ignored, that is violated, the United Nations charter when it invaded Iraq in 2003. This is not wise policy.

I don't want to hurt anybody or be offensive. But I don't want to not be me.

...The plural of elf is elves! What a language! What a world!

I learned real early why God gave us two ears and one mouth, because you're supposed to listen twice as much as you talk.

The older I get, the more important my view of the family is.