You don't want to make an enemy of Piers Morgan.

Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.

The rule is: don’t use commas like a stupid person. I mean it.

If you still persist in writing, "Good food at it's best", you deserve to be struck by lightning, hacked up on the spot and buried in an unmarked grave.

The reason to stand up for punctuation is that without it there is no reliable way of communicating meaning.

Punctuation marks are the traffic signals of language: they tell us to slow down, notice this, take a detour, and stop.

There are people who embrace the Oxford comma and those who don't, and I'll just say this: never get between these people when drink has been taken.

Proper punctuation is both the sign and the cause of clear thinking.

Old radio comedy makes me laugh, as well as 'I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue' and comedians like Paul Merton.

Texting is a fundamentally sneaky form of communication, which we should despise, but it is such a boon we don't care. We are all sneaks now.

Texting is a supremely secretive medium of communication - it's like passing a note - and this means we should be very careful what we use it for.

and you taste / of the memory of god abandoned.

Why hasn't someone lassoed a few teenagers and had them sit down and write out all the supposed answers they have so we can solve the world's problems already?

Having a baby is like suddenly getting the world's worst roommate, like having Janis Joplin with a bad hangover and PMS come to stay with you.

I could never teach people to be philosophers - and if I did, you could never make a gardener out of them.

How shall one who is so weak in his childhood become really strong when he grows older? We only change our fancies.

If you want someone to develop a specific trait, treat them as though they already had it.

Indeed, the whole human species is endangered, by nuclear weapons or by other means of wholesale destruction which further advances in science are likely to produce.

Age becomes reality when you hear someone refer to that attractive young woman standing next to the woman in the green dress, and you find that you're the one in the green dress.

..and me holding this moment that was as fragile as a bird in my hands

Most people's jobs are rooted in reality.