You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

No, honey. Maybe you can put the things from the Overlook away in lockboxes, but not memories. Never those. They’re the real ghosts.

Ignorance breeds antipathy. Until I got to know how computers worked, I didn't want anything to do with them. I said, 'Well, why do I need them? I write letters.' Which I still do.

Mom always told us to wear pretty, matching underwear.

When we look at a rock what we are seeing is not the rock, but the effect of the rock upon us.

Complicity with error will take from the best of men the power to enter any successful protest against it.

You have to put the idea into action. If you don’t have the motivation and the enthusiasm, your great idea will simply sit on top of your desk or inside your head and go nowhere.

Sweet and glorious it is to die for our country.

My face becomes a Picasso sketch, my body slicing into pieces.

This lake exceeds anything I ever beheld in beauty.

Everybody thought that Hillary Clinton was gonna win. That's the problem. Everybody thought, nobody was paying attention.