You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

The heathen could only be eliminated as a force if their culture was completely erased.

It has meant a lot to me to challenge the best players in the world and to beat them. And it means a lot to me to be out here and fighting for the title and, you know, it hurts not to win it.

I've got a nice little crafty deal with the people in Barbados; 10 days out there teaching the locals how to play darts for an hour a day. Get paid for that as well.

Sensitivity is equated with weakness. Feelings are for women. It's OK to express happiness or anger, but it's not OK to feel fear or sadness. This gets exaggerated in prison.

Our house is made of glass... and our lives are made of glass; and there is nothing we can do to protect ourselves.

Growing up with my dad being a musician, it seemed like a male centric world to me. I just didn't know many girls playing guitar.

I used to wear real fur, but, like many others, I had a change of heart when I learned what actually happens to the animals.

Changes made to please others are unrealistic, but more important, they're unfair to you.

Don't discount the power of your words. The thought that they might cause unnecessary hurt or discomfort should inform every conversation.

Country and western is the music of the devil. Thats the real truth of the matter. My late Mother, bless her, loved country and western. God, I couldnt handle it.