Women are never what they seem to be. There is the woman you see and there is the woman who is hidden. Buy the gift for the woman who is hidden.

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty years ago.

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

When a president's popularity grows, the he is doing wrong things.

We live in a very inspirational point in time. Things are progressing faster and further than ever before. What inspires me most is the world we live in adapting at such a rapid rate.

In the end, forgiveness simply means never putting another person out of our heart.

There’s no cure for ugly, but you can make yourself into a human optical illusion.

You have to stop yourself from even thinking about failing.

I'm very competitive and if I'm not in the weight room than someone is getting better than me. I just have to stay in there and prove myself any way that I can.

There are certain stars who are not actors. I don't want to be that type.

The United States is unique among the rich countries, developed countries, in not having some kind of a national health-care system.

How many millionaires do you know who have become wealthy by investing in savings accounts? I rest my case.

Most people can't tell now who wrote what. I like that blurring of identities within the band. because it becomes a unified thing that can't be related to other forms of historical poetry