Why would we go to war on women? They don't have any oil.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The key to success is having no qualms about failure.

One two, one two, Type a word or two. Arrow left, arrow right, Keep those fingers nice and tight.Keys up, Keys down, Move those digits all around.One two, one two, Type a word or two.

Oddly enough success over a period of time is more expensive than failure.

The epitome of the human realm is to be stuck in a huge traffic jam of discursive thought.

Better is the little of the righteous than the abundance of many wicked.

The short story is the art form that deals with the individual when there is no longer a society to absorb him, and when he is compelled to exist, as it were, by his own inner light.

My background playing soccer gave me a natural advantage over many of the American-born players.

I want to visit Memory Lane, I don't want to live there.

No law or ordinance is mightier than understanding.

Common sense often makes a good law.