When they're standing right in front of you, kings are a kind of speech impediment.

There's a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it's wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.

The worst thing you can do is nothing.

There are times in life when people must know when not to let go. Balloons are designed to teach small children this.

Rincewind had always been happy to think of himself as a racist. The One Hundred Meters, the Mile, the Marathon -- he'd run them all.

Rincewind could scream for mercy in nineteen languages, and just scream in another forty-four.

Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant ‘idiot.

...and the funny thing was that people who weren't entirely certain they were right always argued much louder than other people, as if the main person they were trying to convince were themselves.

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.

You never knew about people, like you never knew how deep a pond was because all you saw was the top.

God had already determined your success even before you were born

Your failures and misfortunes don't threaten other people. . .It's your assets and your successes that are problems for people who derive their self-esteem from being superior.

One year I hit .291 and had to take a salary cut. If you hit .291 today, you'd own the franchise.

Does your mind feel more and more like teflon? Nothing sticks to it?

You can have diabetes and have a piece of cake. You cannot have diabetes and eat a whole cake.

Keeping a smile on your lips even when you're on the verge of tears. Feeling sorry for those who show their feelings.

History attempts to provide society with an artificial collective memory.

People write or speak sentences in order to produce an effect, and the success of a sentence is measured by the degree to which the desired effect has been achieved.

I don't know how much longer I can keep going without a friend. I used to be able to do it very easily, but that was before I knew what having a friend was like.

If being me offends you, maybe I'm not the problem.