When meeting royalty, it is very important, no matter how excited you are, not to vomit on them. Instead, vomit on the nearest commoner.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Harsh, bitter laughs exploded from her like shrapnel, and she didn’t care who was cut in the process.

She says his eyes address her like the silence of the snow.

I'm so sorry for you; your lives have been so easy. You can't play great music unless your heart's been broken.

I let my summer days pass idly on.

When I was a little baby, my mama she said "Son.Travel where you will and grow to be a manAnd sing what must be sung, poor boySing what must be sung.

It's a shame that creativity and sloth look exactly the same.

I walk through the seasons and always the birds are singing and screaming and keening for love When you're with me it seems so absurd that I should be jealous of the jay and the dove.

I think we do want a front-runner from the Republican Party who can win the general election.

If guns cause crime, all of mine are defective.

I like a little rebellion now and then. It is like a storm in the atmosphere.