When I was 23 I started writing for I'm Sorry I'll Read That Again and was paid three guineas for every minute's airtime.

I believe in the separation of church and planet.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours.

A lot has been said about politics; some of it complimentary, but most of it accurate

Learn to trust yourself. That's very vital. ... Just stand with yourself. Remember, in his lifetime, Van Gogh sold only two paintings. I personally sold even fewer.

Life doesn't make any sense, and we all pretend it does. Comedy's job is to point out that it doesn't make sense, and that it doesn't make much difference anyway.

Life is a comedy when watching and a tragedy when experiencing. I try and share anything I have.

Life took over 4 billion years to evolve into you, and you've about 70 more years to enjoy it. Don't just pursue happiness, catch it.

Never do things for money. It's always the things you do for love that turn out to pay the best.

Life has a very simple plot: first you're here and then you're not.

I've got soggy thighs. It must be dinner time.

God has a plan to make you great, famous, and unique

I have always had a mystical attitude toward inspiration. That's my nature.

Twitter is the marriage of full-tilt narcissism and full-tilt voyeurism that has finally collided in 140 words.

Mistakes you can learn from; sins stay with you forever.

Revenge is barren of itself: it is the dreadful food it feeds on; its delight is murder, and its end is despair.

Love ... Just Nature's way of getting one person to pay the bills for another person.

If you go to Bed Bath & Beyond without a coupon, people will wonder if you're OK.

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.

There can be no place in a 21st-century parliament for people with 15th-century titles upholding 19th-century prejudices.

You better hope that I never see you walking down the street while I’m driving my car! (Tory)