What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

God goes with thoughtless people.

Putting aside your blatant patriarchal biases in assuming the necessary presence of a male familial figurehead, yes, I had a nice brunch, thanks.

You can never tell how much drive that lies in you until you discover your true passion in life.

No one has ever suffered from his people as I have.

There is also a distinct possibility that there are other actors ? whose names have not leaked to the press ? who may stand just as good a chance of landing the part.

Finally, the lessons of impermanence taught me this: loss constitutes an odd kind of fullness; despair empties out into an unquenchable appetite for life.

Bill Ford, Jr., is somebody who wants to move this industry, to lead the nation in making us independent of foreign oil, of making the green vehicle.

People are complicated; you put two of them together and it's generally a mess, but hopefully a beautiful mess.

Being vegan is not always easy and accessible. But it's a way of life and makes me as a person feel really good and physically look better.

Don’t be silly. Loving is easy. It’s finding someone to love you back that’s hard.