Bob Saget Quotes

I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

The squirrel in my yard really knows his way around the neighborhood.

At the end of the day it's the end of the day.

My mom just told me it's impossible to know what's going to happen in life. Except with breakfast, cause she eats the same thing every day.

If 'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger,' how do you explain zombies?

My girlfriend just told me I am one of the smartest people she knows. I told her, You need to meet other people.

I love watching people get hit in the crotch. But only if they get back up. If their teeth are bleeding, if they're really hurt, if an ambulance has to come, I'm not laughing.

I think when you dissect a joke too much, you have ruined whatever there is in comedy.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing.

Now people want what the movie was about, which is violent comedy. And that's really what The Aristocrats is based on - what will a family do out of desperation.

There are no I's in we but there are two i's in Wii.

It's 103 comedians, or however many it is, and how would everyone tell it. It's enough people of substance that it makes you think of the people who aren't there that are alive.

My haircutter figured out I whine less if I'm under general anesthesia. I just hope when I awaken they haven't given me a Brazilian wax.

No one gets a free ride. Except maybe bus drivers.

It's smart to marry your yoga teacher so when you get divorced you know how to go down on yourself.

What do you do if you're in the car and your girlfriend touches your crotch then asks you to remind her to get kitchen scissors?

I can't do negative, needy, or narcissistic anymore. Oh wait, I can still do the last one, aw nuts.

I have three kids, the oldest is 18 and her friends are going to see it The Aristocrats because they told her they're going to see it, especially her guy friends.

Sundays are a good day to look at the limitless possibilities of the week ahead. The key is to prolong that feeling by not reading the news.

Sometimes I wish I hadn't said something foolish. It is then that I realize the power of mime.

What I've learned about comedy people is that they're defined by the harshest level they've been to, their personal Auschwitz.

I never went to camp as a kid. I couldn't get into an Ivy League school. I wouldn't join a biker club.

If you're a host of a video show and you're on the cleanest show on television for eight years, people want to say, 'Well, that's what that person does.' That was the dilemma for me, career-wise.

I'm fortunate to know a lot of incredibly talented people, and they all want to be a penguin.

I'm completely changing my diet. My nutritionist recommends I must now stop eating food I have already eliminated.

You learn who your friends are when you find out who will lie for you.

One of the first things I said when I signed on for the show was No hugs! Full House was all based on hugs.

Nobody can tell me what I can or can't do, except they can.

Jon Lovitz. Jon, your act is like masturbation: you're the only one who enjoys it, and you should be arrested for doing it in public.

When you're famous, you're always famous. It doesn't go away.

Soon, I'm going to meet somebody around my own age, and she's going to be smart and beautiful, and I'm going to date her daughter.

Valuable people are undervalued.

If you don't wake up every day happy, change something.

Most people argue over who's right, not about what the truth is.

Kindness isn't just a virtue, its a necessity.

It's okay to get stoned, as long as its not by other people.

When you have a good time there is no time.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.