I have the brain of a German Shepherd and the body of a 16-year-old boy; they’re both in my car and I want you to see them

Yet there are some people - Steve Allen would dissect comedy forever; he's a really funny guy, but he would love talking about comedy. I'm doing it right now and you all seem bored.

I'd like a nice piece of salmon that's not too pink inside and yet isn't too dry or crisp either.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. And if that doesn't work out for you, Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.

Behind every great man in prison is another great man in prison.

My father once told me, and it's stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

Today is a brand new day. A day of change, of promise, of creativity, of kindness, and of love. I'm going back to bed.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

I don't roll like that but I've never been with a hooker either. Yeah, that's good to say in an interview cause I feel bad a little because people grew up watching me and that's a little disturbing.

My dad told me if I was ever intimidated by anyone, just picture them with their clothes off. He said that's how he dealt with my mom.

I wouldn't hurt a flea. I'd finger a spider though.

LOVE is the most incendiary element ever known, once it sparks the heart, the flame is inextinguishable.

Social media isn't something that you "do", instead you have to "be" social.

It simply is not true that war never settles anything.

Joe Barbera's s always complaining that he can't get humor into cartoons anymore. Just do it. You've got your money. Why do they let the networks run their lives?

You can't be wrong in journalism. Take a wrong turn in journalism, and you are writing fiction. You can take a wrong turn in poetry, and something wonderful can happen.

Education is a weapon the effect of which is determined by the hands which wield it, by who is to be struck down.

Never write down your speeches beforehand; if you do, you may perhaps be a good declaimer, but will never be a debater.

What the eyes are for the outer world, fasts are for the inner.

Right now I don't call it the menopause, I call it men-on-pause.

For me to speak out against the war in Iraq, you know - most of my fans are lefties anyway, so I don't really get much flack for it.