Well, once I fried tofu and put Sriracha on it. After that I was so depressed I swore off preparing food for myself altogether.

I'm always alone. Sad face emoticon.

I bullshit on the phone all day with a variety of people discussing various projects, and occasionally write jokes.

The horrible truth is that I am lazy and I am going to write and do bits that just hand themselves to me.

My primary responsibility is to be funny.

Im so sick of people treating Latinos like some homogenous group that all feel the same way about everything.

Stop throwing us all together like some sort of Puerto Ricaminican Tex-Mex buffet.

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first divorced me and the second won't.

Better to die of something than to die in old age of nothing.

Showing up is important and it is a big part of becoming successful.

I'm not that interested in female superheroes.

True love for whatever you are doing is the answer to everything.

A homeless man standing at the off-ramp: the question in these moments isn't whether Jesus is in Him, but in me.

What hostile parasite is tunneling through her sphincter? (Zarina)

When I was a kid my Dad never let me sing Patsy Cline songs for one simple reason: they've already been done.

I fundamentally believe that in the moral balance of the human race, we right ourselves. If we feel like the ship's keel is off, we find a way to steer ourselves through the storm repeatedly.

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.