We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

There is no " i " in team. But there are two in motivation.

Be a man! Put on a mask.

Music, architecture and pictures have always been my passions, and all that material wealth has meant for me, is being able to have some of the pictures I liked.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

Only fools live in the past or carry envy to the present.

Why does everybody think that women are debasing themselves when we expose the conditions of our debasement?

The dead drug leaves a ghost behind. At certain hours it haunts the house.

My partner has to have good sized bones.

The only good thing about going to the fights is you can go into the green room and you can see some of your old friends that you haven't seen in a long time.

No matter how smart you are, you spend much of your day being an idiot.