Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.

It's a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.

No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.

He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.

George W. Bush is so pro-Mexico that if you hit him with a stick prizes would fall out of him.

Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.

They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.

If it turns out that Barry Bonds used steroids to bulk up and add muscle mass, he could get four to eight years as governor of California

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani fired his wife, Donna Hanover, as official hostess of the mayor's mansion last weekend. He's got his own idea of what a hostess should be. He wants a little cupcake.

It is not enough simply to wish that love and compassion grow within us. We need a sustained effort to cultivate such positive qualities.

No bacon for you.""Then no eggs for you. Either of you."Eve glowered at him. "Prisoner exchange?"They glared at each other, then swapped pans and started scooping.

Heaven is a homegrown cucumber

I worry about ridiculous things, you know, how does a guy who drives a snowplough get to work in the morning. ... That can keep me awake for days.

It's not that I don't know that it's a bad idea. It's that, lately, bad ideas have a particular hold over me.

So peaceful shalt thou end thy blissful days, And steal thyself from life by slow decays.

In order to live man must believe in that for which he lives.

For it is my opinion that we enclose and celebrate the freaks of our nation and our civilization. Yellowstone National Park is no more representative of America than is Disneyland.

One of the beauties of being an artist is that you can create a whole new world, with circumstances that are better in your invented world than they are in the real world.

Think for yourself. Know what you're doing. Question authority.