They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.

The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.

It's a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.

Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.

He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.

George W. Bush is so pro-Mexico that if you hit him with a stick prizes would fall out of him.

Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.

If it turns out that Barry Bonds used steroids to bulk up and add muscle mass, he could get four to eight years as governor of California

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani fired his wife, Donna Hanover, as official hostess of the mayor's mansion last weekend. He's got his own idea of what a hostess should be. He wants a little cupcake.

You can only depend on one person and that is you.

There is a big difference between a tree and a wood! There is a big difference between a thinking society and an unthinking society!

Abbey relaxed, grateful not only that someone had thought to throw a party for her, but that she had been able to escape attending.

Happiness is the ability to recognize it.

What would demons," she said, "want with our microwave?

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I never sit down and write. I just sorta let things form in my brain.

Someday perhaps change will occur when times are ready for it instead of always when it is too late. Someday change will be accepted as life itself.

What you write chooses you.

Awake, awake, English nobility! Let not sloth dim your horrors new-begot.