No wonder we keep testing positive in their bicycle races. Everyone looks like they're full of testosterone when they're surrounded by Frenchmen.

The most identifiable trait of Anglo-Saxons is that we always mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

The surest way to wake up and smell the roses every day is to go to sleep face down in the flower bed.

It's a new era at Disney. From now on, Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs will be known as Person of No Color and the Seven Vertically Challenged Individuals.

Walter Mondale once said God has no place in American politics and it turned out that God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

He called for military supremacy, no welfare and cultural rebirth. It was a nice speech, but it sounded a lot better in its original German.

George W. Bush is so pro-Mexico that if you hit him with a stick prizes would fall out of him.

Jesse Ventura took American politics and raised it to the level of professional wrestling.

They’ve taken their own precautions against Al Qaeda. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.

If it turns out that Barry Bonds used steroids to bulk up and add muscle mass, he could get four to eight years as governor of California

New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani fired his wife, Donna Hanover, as official hostess of the mayor's mansion last weekend. He's got his own idea of what a hostess should be. He wants a little cupcake.

Mama always did tell a good story, built a solid background, then deftly lead her engrossed listener through a series of doorways, enticing them in before delivering the coup de grâce.

Miracles cut corners and beat rules.

Can’t this thing go any faster?” Thalia demanded.Zoe glared at her. “I cannot control traffic.”You both sound like my mother, ” I said.Shut up!” they both said in union.

PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.

Sometimes you have to open yourself to the random possibilities of, I guess, destiny.

If I can acquire money and also keep myself modest and faithful and magnanimous, point out the way, and I will acquire it.

I grew up with a deep belief that wherever our troops fought, they were on the side of the angels.

Dates that come around every year help us measure progress in our lives. One annual event, New Year's Day, is a time of reflection and resolution.

I made all my generals out of mud.

I'd rather go for Scorsese and De Niro. I just think he was so much better.