They think I'm silly. I do silly things. I fall down and run into things. I talk to inanimate objects. I'll hold a pickup stick to my ear and say, "What? What's that? I can't hear you

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

This life is the only opportunity we will have to worship God in the midst of trials and tests. Heaven will be perfect.

Forever encased in the amber of a writer's prose.

Waiting accentuates our helplessness, ant that is what God seems committed to revealing. Only when we know ourselves to be helpless do we fully experience his grace and glory. We have to wait for it.

..but maybe this was a defense mechanism. Maybe my mind was making me see things I refused to accept were gone forever. It was filling the void, because that was easier than letting go.

I think any statement about stock prices is always suspect unless it's made by Warren Buffett.

My New Year's resolution is to cut my diet sodas down to two cans a day!

Apple might not love me, but I love Apple.

Seeing the world is a prerequisite to understanding one’s place in it.

I love to hear stories about people who got to places where they are today. Those kinds of things are very interesting to me.

Freedom is unlikely to be lost all at once and openly. It is far more likely to be eroded away, bit by bit, amid glittering promises and expressions of noble ideals.