The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Home is supposed to be a place of security, the last resort of refuge.

You only live once so, lets make a difference people will remember.

A dove will never nest in a burning tree, nor will love ever reside in unforgiving heart.

I was asked to memorise what I did not understand; and, my memory being so good, it refused to be insulted in that manner.

Little prigs and three-quarter madmen may have the conceit that the laws of nature are constantly broken for their sakes.

Most journalists are restless voyeurs who see the warts on the world, the imperfections in people and places. . . . gloom is their game, the spectacle their passion, normality their nemesis.

Perhaps it is our imperfections that make us so perfect for one another.

And not out of fear or loneliness, but only to find myself again... for we have come too far my Life, to turn back now.

If you are a friend of the Constitution as I am, I hope you will consider engaging me in the topics of my posts whether you agree or disagree with my position on a particular subject.