Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

Women scheme when they are weak, they lie out of fear. Men scheme when they are strong, they lie out of arrogance.

When you serve the humanity with compassion and kindness, You express your spontaneous love and inner greatness.

The wealth that we acquire with God’s help will not become a source of tears if it belongs to God.

Tomorrow I plan to work work from early until late. In fact I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.

It's so fun to be in love... or so I've heard, The meaning has no feeling even though I understand the word...

If you don't find a leader, perhaps it is because you were meant to lead.

I started by hacking around the back yard in Richmond.

If you struck your mother or your father, it was punishable by death because you struck at the whole society. You struck at the morality of the society itself. This is what we have lost.

And so you must grant to God what is God and not try to think of what you have lost, for that way is madness.

Woah! Calm down, Curly!