They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

I just can't fathom why anyone would stand on a ledge when there's a respectable amount of walking space right next to it.

Unless you're doing some kind of God conscious thing and you know that He's the one who's really in charge, you're just building up a lot of karma and not really helping yourself or anybody else.

Reason exercises merely the function of preserving order, is, so to say, the police in the region of art. In life it is mostly a cold arithmetician summing up our follies.

Cowards suffer, heroes enjoy.

Women are as they are; they necessarily have the defects of their virtues.

Jesus gave the world its most influential movement.

For the duration of its collective life, or the time during which its identity may be assumed, each class resembles a hotel or an omnibus, always full, but always of different people.

It is my hope that as the Negro plunges deeper into the quest for freedom and justice he will plunge even deeper into the philosophy of non-violence.

Taking steps is easy Standing still is hard... Everything is different The second time around.

Pride is founded not on the sense of happiness, but on the sense of power.