Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

I have my moments, I just can't remember where I put them.

Dreams will get you nowhere, a good kick in the pants will take you a long way.

Many things happened in my life, and I thought that they changed me. But in the end, nothing has changed since I was seventeen. If I could keep today’s happiness I wouldn’t worry about tomorrow.

Never let an earthly circumstance disable you spiritually.

It's a difficult time for a lot of people right now.

Nothing could be more reckless than to base one's moral philosophy on the latest pronouncements of science.

I was so honored to be on 'Entourage' for eight years but I want to show people that I can do other things.

No, no, no - you don't argue with concepts. You have to claim Dogma, and therefore leave no room for rational thought.

I'm a TV junkie. I'm always flipping through channels.

Judaism is absolutely incompatible with the abandonment of the Torah.