The kick [of comedy] is to think quickly. It's a great kick.

Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money.

The other day I started to take a course in psycho-ceramics. What is psycho-ceramics? It's the study of crackpots.

There are many things that I find attractive about a woman. Foremost to me, of course, would be a sense of humor-but that doesn't come in a bottle.

A woman driver went through a red light. The cop stopped her and said, Lady, didn't you see that red light? The woman said, You've seen one, you've seen them all.

I love Chicago. I got on a bus and asked the driver, Do you go to the Loop? He said, No, I go beep-beep!

You can cut your hair how you want, but I think you should get to where you wear it normal for the future.

Is it time for your period, or somet

Somebody has to have the last word. If not, every argument could be opposed by another and we'd never be done with it.

Rap is poetry set to music. But to me it's like a jackhammer.

Don't worry about telling your actor what to do.

I believe that, when [meeting of writer and reader] happens and the reader goes out into the world the next day, there's some alteration that might possibly inflect the person positively.

My family and my friends inspire me.

I don't want to conquer you; I just want to climb you.

The role of the vice president is to break ties in the Senate and inquire daily into the health of the president.

Creating opportunities means looking where others are not.

Life may be treacherous, but you can always depend on death.